For the first two parts of this series (the ones with actual content), see here and here. This post isn’t necessarily for the general reader. For example, if you’re asking yourself, “Why did Grant write this?” you are probably not the target audience. If you’re here for emotional voyeurism, continue reading!
Here we have the fulfillment of my promise: a list of all the times I cried in college. This post was hard to write for two reasons:
- I don’t like thinking about all times I’ve cried.
- Consequently, I can’t remember all the times I’ve cried.
I tried to do the best I could. I organized the length thematically and by year.
You know how when you yawn enough your eyes get slightly moist? When I get really, really tired, this effect kind of stacks enough times it becomes crying. The released endorphins are very relaxing. This speeds my ability to sleep, a thing with which some of you know I have a rather abusive relationship. Crying for my country usually happens when she does something remarkably stupid. Crying about sin and crying about girls should be self-explanatory.
Several times over exhaustion.
Once for sin.
Once for exhaustion and probably a girl.
Probably five other times for exhaustion, especially when I pulled a bunch of 30+ hour sleepless streaks.
One last time for definitely a girl.
I think a couple times for sin?
Definitely twice over girls.
For sure once over a friend who was wandering away from the Lord.
At least three times over exhaustion.
Probably twice for my country, including once for the Obergefell v. Hodges decision.
Probably three times over exhaustion.
A lot when Antonin Scalia died.
A little when I realized my choices were Trump and Hillary.
Once over a girl.
For sure once over sin.
Definitely a couple times over friends with questionable eternal states.
Hope this clickbait satisfies you. My memory fails to inform me of other incidents to record. Props to those of you who can read the underlying message of this satirical piece.